Millie’s Angel Story
Grande Prairie
It was to be Grande Prairie’s first Relay For Life… June 2003! I felt a strong conviction within my heart to follow my written words… the words of “My Battle” which I had written five years before. I wanted to walk the relay and carry HOPE for my family and friends who were survivors.
I wanted to carry the memory of loved ones I had lost to cancer, and I wanted to carry the memory of my father whom I lost to leukemia at the age of 33 when I was almost 6 years old. My precious Aunt Marge held me that day and promised me that if I looked up at the sky on a dark night and found the brightest twinkling star, it would really be my Daddy polishing the glass of the star to watch over me. So I was a child who watched stars at night and, at times, rainbows during the day. I lost Aunt Marge to cancer when she was 39 years of age. I had just given birth to my first son, Darren, and in my heart, I silently pleaded “no more”.
I was blessed in being given a stepfather to raise me. He became my Dad and raised me with love. Dad had promised us that he would take care of our family. He loved the color of “Robin Egg” blue. Many times he found abandoned robin eggs on our farm and gently carried them to my mother. He loved nature and he loved our family. My second son, Ryan, was born into the world of that love.
When Darren was 14 and Ryan was 9, Dad silently left us after being diagnosed with lung cancer and Alzheimer’s disease. I silently pleaded “no more!” I grieved. My sons grieved. My family grieved! In the years to follow I was to plead those words again and again, especially when my mother was also diagnosed with cancer.
I made the long trip to Canmore a few years later… my dear Aunt Janet had been diagnosed with breast cancer. My memory took me back to my last visit just after Dad had passed away. My mother and I were attending the wedding of Aunt Janet’s daughter, Janice. It rained in the mountains that late afternoon. Mother and I were still feeling the loss of Dad on that special day.
I watched the rain in silence for a while; my heart filled my sadness and memories. Then just as quickly as it started, the rain stopped and rays of sunshine came through the clouds! And I smiled as I gazed across the sky. “Mother, Dad is with us”, I whispered to my mother. She followed my gaze and we both fought back tears as we witnessed the most beautiful rainbow I had ever seen! It arced from one mountain peak to another. Our family gazed at the perfection of it. We believed that this was a sign that our loved ones were truly with us, watching over us!
It was during my Aunt’s Janet’s cancer treatment that my son Darren lost his 20 year old friend Mike to cancer. I became numb and I could offer no explanation to Darren. I couldn’t answer his “why”! I silently pleaded, “No more, please God”!
The following September I found myself on my knees, in the middle of my living room floor! I screamed from the depths of my soul…. “No more”! My son, Ryan had just been diagnosed with “Hodgkin’s Lymphoma” at the age of 20. I could no longer plead in silence, I cried out to the world.
My son Darren lived in the silence within him. Darren’s best friend Harold held strong for him, and through it all, Ryan fought desperately and I became a voice of strength! Aunt Janet encouraged Ryan to fight right up to the day she lost her own battle.
Ryan completed his chemotherapy in June of 1998 only a few months before Darren’s best friend, Harold, was also diagnosed with leukemia! Ryan and Darren became a source of strength for him and Harold walked with us in our battles. Ryan met others - adults and children - during his treatment and during his remission. We all became a team with a large extended family.
In December of 2000, my son Darren stood at the altar on his wedding day. His brother Ryan and best friend Harold – both at this side!! Both in remission! Both full of Hope!
And when news that the Relay For Life was coming to Grande Prairie – I needed to walk!!!! I needed to “carry my torch and lift it high” in honour and in memory! Team members were certainly not hard to come by because so many family and friends wanted to be a part of the experience and we made up three teams! I was faced with indecision as to our teams “theme”. I just felt that all three teams were really one and that we must all have the same theme. We fought with Hope and Courage! We fought for Life! Our teams became “Walkers of Hope”, Walkers of Courage”, and “Walkers of Life”!
I searched for poster board feeling unsettled and indecisive. Store after store, I searched, until the day I found the most beautiful poster board in the colors of the rainbow!! In the back of my mind I had always felt we should use the color of “robin egg blue”… but there was none. The next day I entered the Wal-Mart. After turning the corner of the supplies aisle I stopped in my tracks! I had been searching for computer paper to write the words of “My Battle” on. Right in front of me on the shelf was beautiful paper in “robin egg blue”… with a beautiful rainbow across the top of the page! I then searched for nametags. There before me in the school supply catalogue were the only adult nametags I could find in Grande Prairie or through mail order… and they were white nametags with a rainbow arched across the top of them!!
I called my family and told them of my experience and it was then that I remembered the beautiful rainbow in the mountains of Canmore!! Our teams had no doubt - our theme would be the rainbow – a sign that our family was watching over us. We plunged into our plans; each trying to find anything we could in the colors of the rainbow to decorate our tent sites. We found rainbow borders to decorate the children’s wagon that my grandson, Keaton, would be pulled in. We found rainbow coloured wind twirlers, rainbow pompons, and Mother found beautiful rainbow pins attached to a bookmark. On the bookmark a bird flew through the clouds and the words beneath read: “God keeps His promises”! Little children drew pictures of “their” rainbows, happy knowing they were helping to decorate our tents…and me…I prayed for sun!! I checked the weather forecast daily as the day neared. As I entered the Canadian Cancer Society’s office through all this, I came face to face with a beautiful donated wall painting – of a rainbow! It was on that day I truly felt that our family would be with us on our walk… and I still prayed for a sunny day. I wouldn’t settle for anything less!
It was finally Relay Day! Our teams gathered together, struggling in the wind to set up our sites and decorate the tents with our rainbow balloon arch. The wind took the balloons and tossed them back and forth. Some of the team members had spent many days working on a large banner; they had drawn on it and coloured a beautiful rainbow with a bird flying across the clouds in the sky. As the rain came down, the banner became limp!! Our banner became wet; the paint on the children’s rainbow pictures ran! In my heart, I cried! But we decided that not even the rain or the wind would ruin our walk. I continued to register teams, holding down my wet papers as I did so.
It’s time for the Survivor’s Victory Lap! It’s raining but the survivors’ spirits are high! Just before the Victory Lap started, the rain stopped! I looked up to the sky in amazement! Through the clouds a beautiful rainbow filled the sky!! I couldn’t hold back the tears!! Our teams gathered in amazement! I cried out to the team, ”There’s our rainbow”!! They are with us. Cameras were grabbed to take pictures of “OUR” beautiful rainbow! I felt peace wash over me as I realized that we could never have had a rainbow if God had answered my prayers for sun. I stood in silence for a few moments, feeling overwhelmed with love and hope. With my son Darren and my grandson Keaton, family and friends that made up our teams, we all cheered in unison as we watched my son, Ryan, pushing my Mother, Becky, in a wheel chair. My Aunt Rose and Ryan’s new friend, Matt, took turns pushing Mother. THEY WERE WALKING THE SURVIVORS’ VICTORY LAP! THEY WERE SURVIVORS! I became overwhelmed with love and emotion as I looked around me, surrounded by love, family and friends! I looked around at ALL OF OUR SURVIVORS as they walked their Victory Lap. I looked up to the sky in silence and in my heart, I said “thank you” to the family and friends we had lost, for watching over us!
It was days later that I received our team's real miracle. One by one, my eyes pored over the Relay pictures, until I came to the picture of the rainbow! I thought of how fortunate we were to have the picture of “our rainbow” to help us forever remember. I slowly placed my rainbow picture on the bottom and stared at the next picture in my hand!! I held a picture of “our rainbow” with a bird flying through the clouds!! We had seen no birds flying through our rainbow that day! It was at that moment that the realization washed over me – our banner had gone limp from the rain, but in reality, our family banner covered the sky above us that day!! And the lighted path I had written about in “My Battle” five years before was really the 1700 burning luminaries (candles) lighting our way around the track while we walked! The track truly was the “lighted path of footsteps that had no end!!
2003
My Battle
I am aware of me and the darkness that surrounds me; there is no world outside. There is no control nor is there a need for the control of pain that wells up within me as I rehearse words of dread over and over in my mind. I exist in my moments of despair. I can see no light of day but then, I do not see what others do. My world is filled with only that which those before me have glimpsed during their moments. My thoughts remain locked within the depths of my soul, for from there once came my feelings of love and joy and happiness and all things that were good. I feel a grieving from within the very depth of my soul…
I am afraid.
I want to leave the depth of my despair; I yearn for my yesterdays filled with love and joy. I feel that to reclaim my yesterdays would be to overcome my feelings of hopelessness. My pain is measured by the love I have given and received in my life, therefore I cannot begin to tell you the measure of the pain I feel. I find myself hoping that I have given a part of myself to each life I have touched, be it in words spoken or deeds done. I believe I have a purpose on this earth to fulfill and I ask God…”Have I fulfilled it”? I feel not; I need more time. Then, into the darkness I grasp for strength and as with others before me, I am given a glimpse of Hope as I realize…
I have not begun the fight!
I know that my battle will be great! I ask that you be with me in my fight… you who I love so much. I ask that you be strong in my moments of weakness and above all, share my truths. I will fight with my very being! I will walk forward! I will pick up my light and lift it high; I will find my way through the darkness! I will fight with the strength of my memories, knowing that others share my journey…knowing that others walk bravely by my side! My feet may not always carry me on the road I must take but I will not be defeated in the fall because…
I will walk in the footsteps of HOPE!
Then, when in my heart I look back on my path of life… I will not see where I have fallen…
I will see a lighted path of footsteps that have no end!
When the day comes that I feel my walk will not have been in vain, I will have won the battle I will so desperately fight for! We will have found a cure!
1998
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