Will God Hear My Final Plea?

“What is it that you need to stop grieving for?” Feelings of emptiness surround the unanswered question that dwells within my heart, relentlessly searching for a release of the pain grasping it. The question remains a constant, commanding a silence within me. An uneasy reluctance grasps my heart. I fear I would not be able to live surrounded by the truthful answers if they were to appear before me at one time. I wait.

Time passes. A candle flickers in the dimness surrounding me; it’s flowery fragrance filling the room where I sit. Again, I hear a voice in the distance, “What is it you need to stop grieving for?” It is at that moment when I realize that I am safe; I am surrounded by others who grieve as I do.

It is in that moment when I realize that if I continue to hold on to my grief, I continue to live in a past filled with pain and emptiness. I ask myself the question, “What is it that I am truly grieving for and need to let go; what hurtful memories lie so deep within my heart that the strength of letting go of them seems impossible to attain? What grief has consumed me to the point of holding back dreams of hope and dreams for my tomorrow?”

And the tears flow as I grasp my pen tightly. Words take shape as small fragmented pieces of memories reveal themselves in the form of a word; each word then becoming a fragmented part of a sentence on a plain piece of paper which, a moment before, meant nothing to anyone. Pieces of my life begin to cover the paper as I allow myself to try to describe and put to words each incident of loss.

I gently wrap my arms around myself…… for truly, I have only me in that moment. In the quiet of the room, a gentle flowing of words leaves my heart and I speak slowly as I answer, “I need to stop grieving the fact I no longer have control over my life. I need to stop grieving a feeling that the justice system has let me down; I feel a loss of power as divorce lurks before me; I finally accept the ugly truth…. if he had truly loved me he would have reached out in honesty for help from his denial within and accepted it .

I need to stop grieving for the family foundation I once held; a foundation that crumbled by my words of truth, and in doing so revealed that the very foundation I had built my life on was truly not one of strength and love, for if it had been….. I would have received understanding. I need to stop grieving that love does leave; that time passes by and some things just “are”. I need to let go of grieving for that which I truly thought “was” and try to accept my life as each moment before me becomes my present and fades away to time gone by.

I need to stop grieving for the loss of those in my life who I once thought loved me and whom I once loved, they have caused me a pain that has many times brought me to my knees. I need to stop grieving that during painful days in my life, others who once claimed to love me will never see my grief nor feel the numbness of my knees each time I hit the floor in despair…. but they judge….as they lay claim to being entitled to do so.

I need to stop grieving that sometimes there are no dreams ahead; that only living in the moment allows me to take another breath. My journey of footsteps are now surrounded by something called boundaries and I ask myself, “Why? Why does one have to take their step toward a new day trying desperately to guard their heart; protecting the very soul that another vowed once to cherish?”

And I ask myself, “Why? Why do the very words ”physical abuse” take shape in the realization that in revealing it, people I once loved walked away from me? Why is it that my heart asks the question, “Why do I feel ashamed when I reach out to others and realize that few want to hear my truths….and why do feelings of degradation within follow?” And one more time, I ask God, “Why?” and I ask God, “Why”? and I ask God, “Why?" ….and my words fade into whispers.

I feel peacefulness as my thoughts return to the present and I realize that the once plain paper on the table before me holds a story that is sacred in God’s eyes…... and with conviction, I hear words voiced within…. destined for the hearts of those who have judged me for leaving my abuser…. “Don’t look at me in a way that I feel your disgust; let me once again see love in your eyes. Don’t judge me and walk away; become a part of my life and realize that my presence in your life could truly give it meaning. Don’t look away from my eyes as you struggle to find words to say; look into my eyes and see that perhaps love may remain there for you!”

“Know that I suffered; that each blow to my body was a scar on my soul and that I must place the very one who held that force far behind me; no love remains for him within my heart now….. Realize that the core of the fist and the truth revealed are not a blow from me to you but the results of them leave me reaching out, pleading silently in despair and pain…. for my life to matter to someone!”

But I want to love you…. My Family; my Friends who I care so deeply for! Realize that I can never forget those desperate times in my life; I can never forget that the family which is now becoming a memory to me, held my world together and gave me the strength to go on for part of my life..

And in the dimness that surrounds me, I grieve the lack of being believed in the presence of another’s denial of truth. I feel defeated; I hope for the far away day when others no longer walk away but stand strong with me and others like me. I hold the crushing penned words which validate my pain above the flickering tiny flame of the candle as it reaches upward and grasps on to them; slowly burning away a part of my life that should have been precious to every one whose life I had touched…..

And sadness engulfs me in the quietness of that room and tears fall down as I whisper a final plea to God……“I need to stop grieving for that day to come!”

Millie P. Lorenz

Inspired by and Dedicated to N.P. with Love…..


 

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